On another note – Relationships
I recently lost a close family friend’s father, known to my family for over 20 years. That event was catalystic in prompting me to write this post.
This garland of souls that one has in his/her life – parents, siblings and spouse, is probably once-in-a-lifetime combination. You can never get them back even if you were the most powerful person on Earth. This is especially painful if you deeply love any or all of these people.
This friend’s death made me reconsider my parents’ mortality, something that has deeply bothered me ever since I understood the ever-looping cycle of births and deaths. My mother, father, sisters, and now wife, are probably exclusive to this lifetime and may never come together again. Of course, this is a moot point if you don’t believe in rebirth, unlike me.
I share a very tight relationship with my folks so it breaks my heart to imagine that when they pass, I won’t be able to talk or touch them, spend time laughing or hearing how their voice resonates. Once they go, they’re gone for eternity; who knows if I’ll ever get back with them in the same ring of relationships.
The sadness turns to emptyness because it is truly unimaginable by someone who hasn’t suffered a close personal parental loss yet to fathom the void. Both my parents are alive but I’ve been consumed by this mortality review to the point that every word spoken with/by them, is like a drop of water on dry land – a fading memory that slowly seeps away. It adds to the misery that those memories can never truly capture the tenor of their voice, but just be a distant, pictorial playback of that sound.
Pictorial playback of sound. That’s how the mind stores audio memories. You can never hear their voice again. You’ve lost them forever to Time or Nature. While it is good to let go of the past, it tears my heart. These painful words written now are mere reflections of the inevitable true pain of final and permanent separation.
When my time to lose comes, I won’t have the courage to flip the page on the biggest chapter in my life so far, and move to the next. True, Time is a healer, but fundamental to healing is undergoing terrible pain, the inability to retrace your steps, nee, turn back Time and go back to the point of contact – talking with your parent or feeling their warmth in a hug or a kiss.
No matter what happens, I am fortunate to have been associated with these souls, whose passing is something I know for a fact, I will never get over with. It pains to enact the actual moment of passing, the sinking feeling of the reality and the need to take action in a moment when all you want to do is take it all in. I am more cognizant of this delicate balance, the "defective" system where you are forced to give up your oldest and most sacred/loved relationship in an instant. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.